When Others Are Asking Too Much

This follows up on a post I wrote several years ago titled Overstaying our welcome. In it, I lay out three ways we can overstay our welcome. They are being overly demanding of someone’s time, treating someone else’s belongings as if they are our own, and constantly sharing unsolicited advice because we believe we know best. In that post, my point was that these are dangers we must avoid as Christians. I also addressed that as Christians we are to show patience with people in our lives who behave this way. But several people rightly responded with an important question. “What do we do with those who have overstayed their welcome with us and our patience has reached its end?” In this post, I hope to offer guidelines for a Biblical response to such situations.

Scripture calls us to love one another and to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). The writer of Hebrews tells us in 13:16, “do not forget to do good and share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” Paul tells us in Philippians 2:3-4 to “value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interest but each of you to the interest of others.” And in 1John 3:17-18 we read, “If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” When we read these verses in light of James 1:19’s call to be “slow to become angry,” it is clear that we are called to show great patience with people as we seek to be hospitable to them. Should this surprise us. How much do we try God’s patience, yet he does not abandon us. But what do we do when the burdens become too much? After all, as much as we, as Christians, strive to be like Christ, we have our limits. So where is the line drawn? Does hospitality have a limit, and if so, where?

The short answer is that there is no clear objective answer to that question. The answer will vary based on the individuals involved and the circumstances. So rather than a hard-and-fast line, what we must look at is what to take into consideration when deciding where the line lies for a given circumstance.

So what are these guidelines? First, we need to pray over the situation. James 1:5-8 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is a double-minded and unstable is all they do.” As in all cases, when we do not know what to do, we need to ask God with the confidence that he will answer. We pray for more patience; we pray for a way to resolve the situation; and we pray for the individual with whom we are struggling.

But when God makes it clear that it is time to deal with the situation we move on to the foundation of these guidelines in what Jesus calls the second greatest commandment. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39) In this, we are told to love our neighbor, to care for them, to see their need, but it is the second part that draws attention here: “as yourself.” What does it mean when it says this? How do we love ourselves? I think this begins to show us where the line should lie. The command is not that we are to love ourselves. It is simply understood that we do, and this opens the door to understanding where the line is. While we are called to sacrificial love for others, we need to be aware of what we are sacrificing. What are we being called to sacrifice?

When we ask what we are called to sacrifice, we must see the line between sacrifice and abandoning other responsibilities. First, we have an obligation to care for our own health, both physical and mental. After all, how can we care for others if we are physically or mentally unhealthy? We can see this demonstrated repeatedly throughout Scripture. Jesus repeatedly took time to get away from the crowds and their demands to restore himself, often spending that time in prayer. In Mark 6:31-32 we read, “Then because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.’ So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.” Jesus knew there was a limit to how much a person can give to others. He showed that we need to remember our own health and needs when caring for others.

Another consideration is the needs of those we are most responsible for. Paul states this in 1 Timothy 5:8: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Our first priority is to care for our own household. Now this will look slightly different for each of us, depending on our stage of life. Parents of minor children must ensure their acts of hospitality to others do not harm their children. For a married couple, their priority is their spouse. Does the action interfere with or damage the relationship with the spouse? I could continue with the needs of aging parents, siblings, etc. The point is that, as Christians, we have a responsibility to care for our own household, and that includes ensuring that our care for others does not damage that first priority.

A third guideline is actually a means of caring for others. In any of these cases, there comes a point when it is best to stop helping others and force them to help themselves. For this, I present two passages for consideration. The first completes the passage referenced at the beginning of this post that tells us to “carry each other’s burdens.” In Galatians 6:5, Paul writes, “for each one should carry their own load” (or burden). We need to understand that ultimately each person is responsible for their own burdens. We can only carry another person’s burden so far; then they must take it up again. But it is easy for people to become dependent on others to carry their burden. As a result, the same love that led us to carry their burden should lead us to make them once again pick up their own burden.

The other passage to consider is 2 Thessalonians 3:10, which says, “We gave you a rule, ‘The one who won’t work shouldn’t be allowed to eat.” Again, the point is that each person is ultimately responsible for themselves. This does not mean that a person will not need temporary help, again, we ar ecalled to love one another and carry each others burdens. What it does mean is that there needs to be a limit.

These are guidelines to consider as you respond to those you feel have overstayed their welcome and are taking advantage of you. The simple summary of each of these is the need to set boundaries. I’m not saying this will be easy, and there may be hurt feelings, but there is a point where something needs to be said. I am not comfortable giving a specific example for these guidelines, as each situation is unique. If you find yourself in such a situation, I recommend speaking with your pastor or a counselor to get their input and direction.